‘It Wasn’t That Bad’: How Self-Gaslighting Keeps Latina Women from Recognizing Abuse

Many of us were taught to stay quiet about pain.
To be strong.
To keep it moving.

In our community, we often learn that love means sacrifice and that keeping the family together matters more than how we actually feel. So when something hurts, our instinct is not to name it but to minimize it. We tell ourselves “it wasn’t that bad,” not because we don’t know the truth, but because we were conditioned to survive it.

As a Latina therapist, I see this all the time. Abuse, also known as intimate partner violence or domestic violence, is often misunderstood. We think it only happens when there is physical violence like bruises or shouting. But it is more complex than that. It can happen in public or private, even in subtle moments where control hides behind the word “love.”

Understanding self-gaslighting

Gaslighting happens when someone makes you doubt your reality, your memory, or your emotions. Over time, you begin to question your own perception. Self-gaslighting is when that voice becomes your own.

“Maybe I’m overreacting.”
“Other couples fight worse.”
“He just had a bad day.”
“It wasn’t that bad.”

Many of us learned this through what we saw growing up. We watched our mothers or tías tolerate disrespect because “familia es familia.” We saw women stay, forgive, and endure in silence. It was a survival coping mechanism, shaped by a culture that taught us to endure even when it hurt.

When we carry unprocessed trauma, we tend to normalize dysfunction. We confuse emotional chaos with passion or control with care because that is what love looked like for many of us.

The shame and guilt that keep us quiet

When people experience intimate partner violence, they often feel deep shame, especially when the abuse is not physical. Society asks, “Why didn’t you just leave?” instead of asking, “What made it unsafe to leave?”

According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is often the moment someone tries to leave, according to The Hotline, 2024. Fear of retaliation, financial dependence, immigration status, or concern for children can make leaving terrifying.

Then there is guilt. The voice that whispers, “What will people think?” or “Maybe I’m overreacting.” For many, that guilt runs deeper when faith and family are involved. In our Latino culture, marriage is often seen as sacred, divorce carries stigma, and leaving can feel like breaking more than a relationship. It can feel like breaking tradition.

The reality behind the numbers

Abuse is more common than many realize. In the United States, over one in three women (35.6%) and nearly one in four men (28.5%) experience physical violence, stalking, or sexual violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime, per The Hotline, 2024.

In LGBTQ+ communities, the numbers are even higher. 43.8% of lesbian women, 61.1% of bisexual women, and 37.3% of gay men report experiencing rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner.

The Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, shows that abuse is rarely about anger; it is about power and control. Physical violence is only one part of the pattern. Emotional, psychological, and financial tactics often keep someone isolated and dependent, according to The Hotline, 2024.

Abuse does not always look like abuse

If you grew up being told to be strong, it is easy to miss the quieter signs of harm. Abuse often starts subtly but, over time, chips away at your self-worth and autonomy.

Common but often minimized forms of abuse:
• Financial control: Restricting access to money, sabotaging job opportunities, or making you ask for allowance.
• Isolation: Cutting you off from friends, family, or community, sometimes slowly and sometimes all at once.
• Walking on eggshells: Monitoring your tone or words, never knowing which version of your partner you will get.
• Criticism and comparison: Belittling achievements or saying, “You will never find better than me.”
• Verbal and emotional abuse: Constant put-downs, name-calling, or gaslighting that makes you question your worth.
• Reproductive coercion: Sabotaging birth control, pressuring pregnancy, or forcing decisions about your body.
• Using children or pets: Threatening to take the kids, harming pets, or using guilt to control.
• Emotional manipulation: Twisting your words, blaming you for their anger, or using your empathy against you.
• “Jokes” that hurt: Saying something cruel, then dismissing it with “relax, it was just a joke.”
• Spiritual or religious manipulation: Using faith, scripture, or guilt to silence or control.

Abuse does not always leave a mark on your body. Sometimes it leaves one on your nervous system, your confidence, or your sense of safety.

Moving toward change

If any of this feels familiar, take a deep breath. You are not broken for staying and not weak for feeling afraid.

Here are small steps to begin change:
• Build a support system of people who listen without judgment.
• Start building financial independence, save little by little.
• Create a safety plan and keep important documents in a secure place.
• Talk to a therapist who understands trauma and culture.
• If you know someone going through this, be a listening ear. Do not push them, believe their experience and connect them to resources.

Abuse thrives in silence, but healing begins when you name what is real. Recognizing that “it wasn’t that bad” may be the first step in knowing it was and giving yourself the compassion to break free of minimizing it. Your voice matters, your boundaries matter, your life matters, and you are not alone.

If you or someone you know needs support, call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org to chat online.

About the Author

Cynthia Flores is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Speaker, and Host of the Heal & Manifest Podcast. She supports first-generation cycle breakers in healing generational trauma, building self-worth, and creating emotionally healthy relationships through a culturally rooted, trauma-informed lens.Instagram: @cynthiafloreslmft
Website: www.cynthiagflores.com